Dime for my thoughts

And so it's been ten years since I've started this blog, ten years since my world was shot to shit. I've been wracking my brain and twisting my heart for weeks, trying to figure out what could be momentous enough to write on such a day. Then I said...fuck it. There's nothing I could write on its own that would be important enough, so here are 19 random thoughts about Greg, of varying intensity and sentimentality.

1. Greg used to hide the Christmas cookies. He would keep them in his office, and Sharon or I (never Dillon) would have to come looking if we wanted something sweet. He was the only family member who could be trusted as the keeper of the cookies, while he broke his own circus animals in half, one pink and one white. Unless it was Christmas, then it was one green OR red and one white. For a man who struggled with addiction, he had a willpower I've never been able to muster on my own.

2. Hauling my Xmas boxes up from the garage this year, I found myself thinking, "Why the fuck are these boxes so heavy BOTH ways on the stairs?" They ought to be empty on the way back down, when the decorations are situated in my house for the season. So I decided to purge. And purge. And purge. God, how I love throwing shit away! Got me thinking about Greg and that Marie Kondo had nothing on him for method. I remember him going through all of his stuff in the only space that belonged entirely to him, his office, and how he explicitly said that he didn't want to leave anyone with a pile of crap to sort after he was dead. It's been ten years, and there's still a bunch of stuff I haven't been able to go through. Was he prescient, or just a minimalist? I'm grateful either way.

3. The eyebrow! Greg always had wild brows, but as he got older there was this one stubborn hair (I think it was in his left eyebrow) that would buck convention, and that he refused to trim or tame. A single hair would seriously stick out like 2 inches from his face. That one eyebrow hair could have been an isolated eccentricity, but it does make me wonder about Greg as an old man. He was completely vain about his appearance (luckily he was handsome) and it's hard to imagine how he would have aged - of course, I'll never know. Would he have become gross? Was the eyebrow an indicator that someday he would have started to refuse bathing, settle on a cookie paunch, blow his nose into his hands? Would there have come a time when I would have been embarrassed by his elderly habits? Is that a strange thing to even wonder about your dead dad?

4. Santa Claus. This is a story I know that I've told before, but it's one of my holiday favorites and so bears repeating. One year in the duplex, when I was little, I woke up on Christmas morning. Santa must have been in a hurry, because the cookies were crumbled, white shreds of tissue paper hung from the fireplace grate, and giant muddy boot tracks crisscrossed the carpet (the CARPET!). Sharon was so angry she could have spit, but I was entranced. Someone had made magic that night, and maybe he wasn't fat and beardy... but he probably did have a little too much bug juice (or so Sharon would have said).

5. Anyone who knows me, knows that my hair has been every color in nature (and some not natural at all) except for blue. Coloring my hair is one of my favorite things to do, and I have great memories of standing over a bathroom sink with my friend Nat as we shared a box of burgundy, or not so great memories of the distinct line between gypsy black waves and two full inches of brown roots. But my favorite hair color is, always has been, and always will be pink. The first time I had pink hair was because Greg gifted me with a visit to his own stylist, in Beverly Hills. As a teenager, I could have been dolloping my hair with random splotches of bleach and kool aid, but instead she spent HOURS combing tiny highlights through my ten thousand pounds of hair and covering those with the prettiest, glowiest shade of pink. Greg didn't ask why I wanted pink hair, he just accepted who I was and helped make it so that my adolescent hair was glamorous and not sad. I think of him every time my shade changes.

6. Between full moons tonight, I'm thinking about Greg walking the dogs. When he got sober, Greg would walk Queenie and later Lucy after dark, after the world went to sleep, and he would offer up gratitude. If Lucy is a "pound dog," then Queenie was truly our "reservoir dog" because that's where a friend found her before she came to live with us. We had always had cats before - Sharon wasn't exactly a pet person (just look at her now though!) but Big Max (Greg's mom) had loved animals absolutely and always. We got Queenie on a trial run after I promised to totally take care of her every need unto eternity. That lasted about a month. At the end of her life, it was Greg who lifted an arthritic Queenie up and down the back steps to do her business. It was Greg who struggled most when it was time to say goodbye. Dillon often references Queenie, side by side in heaven with Greg. I like to think of them still taking those night walks together, except now among the stars instead of below them. They move through black space with stars all around them, kind of like the opening scene of "It's a Wonderful Life."

7. Getting to hear my aunt sing in church today was beautiful. I was not baptized or raised with religion, and I never missed it. Then when I was a teenager, something about the romanticism of Mass got to me and I asked my dad to take me to church. We used to go to St Ambrose on Fountain sort of regularly, then on Easter and at Christmas, and then rarely. But when we first started going, the priest there was awesome. His sermons were thought-provoking and inspiring without being preachy. He dwelt in love rather than fear, and he was FUNNY. I always loved pressings hands with those around me at the end of the service and repeating, "Peace be with you." Then that guy got sent to minister in Las Vegas (which was probably fitting) and the next priest was Irish and judgy. That was pretty much the end of my attendance. But I still liked how my own family lived, with integrity if without religion. Singing in church still makes my heart glad, and I'm no longer leery about organized religion- I just chuck the parts that don't apply to me. I'm glad that was an experience I first enjoyed with my dad.

8. Impulsive dance party tonight! Greg considered himself to have excellent rhythm. Opening credits to TV shows were his specialty, but he could also slow dance with me riding his feet.

9. There was this guy who used to wash windows at the gas station at Beverly and Fairfax, and Greg would talk with him forever. I used to run up to that man I barely knew and hug him, because I was a kid and he was familiar and kind, and what did I know? But Greg never thought that was wrong. He recognized people living on the street as real people and he treated them that way, which sounds simple but happens rarely. He looked straight at the person he was engaging with and he always gave everyone money (as long as they didn't have better shoes than he did). I know it's easier to be that way when you're 6'3" and strong, but Greg never seemed threatened by another person's humanity. I'd like to be more like that.

10. Luna loved the smell of Greg's feet. I can't stand men's feet (thank God my first husband wore sneakers and never sandals) and Luna couldn't stand people in general, but she would wind herself around Greg's flip flops and lick his long, elegant toes (his words). When we lived in New York and Greg came to visit, for some reason he would sleep in the kitchen instead of the living room. We lived in a railroad apartment, and the kitchen held the front door. When I would creep out in the morning to go to work, Greg would be sleeping on a mattress dragged under the kitchen table with the fan roaring, and Luna would be perched on her hind legs like a squirrel, nose fluttering like a rabbit's as she crouched over his feet sticking out from under the table, patiently waiting for him to wake up.

11. Driving back from the airport after visiting the Midwest, the Beatles "Inner Light" comes on the stereo and I have an impulsive frantic seat dancing party - I'm home! I can see the ocean! How did Greg know that his wild child firstborn would need to be a California baby? Of course, his California was not my California. His California was measured in comedy clubs on Sunset and first run movies and palm trees in December and Samuel French and running into an Academy nominated actor on the night of the Oscars at the Beverly Connection Ralphs. My California is the one of Big Sur and ocean waves and Lost Coasts, but he knew. He knew.

12. Recently I was talking with some of my mama friends about letting their kids come into bed with them. They were maybe a little horrified that my parents had a strict rule, that I could only get into the parental bed after one of them had vacated it (I guess my parents had a lot to talk about in bed). Sharon would cuddle me up in my own bed at night, but she was the early riser so most often I would creep in with Greg on weekend mornings. The fan was still on, and we would drowsily talk about a someday lake house. He told stories about how the air would smell and how peace would sift the light, and I felt safest and warmest and full of dreams.

13. One of my favorite gifts I ever gave anyone was a poem. It was about shadowboxing, a glass bottle, and a cat. I wrote the lines and Cesar illustrated. We framed it and Greg hung it. He always encouraged my writing, even when it was unformed and sloppy and weird. He made me believe I have a voice.

14. Again in the car, this time driving back to LA and weeping and warbling along with Dolly Parton's "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Would Greg find this maudlin? He was not big on Christmas music to my memory, except for outliers like James Brown singing "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" or Frank Sinatra singing "Jingle Bells." Maybe it's hard to believe with his son belting along with Burl Ives, or his daughter popping like it's hawt to "Christmas in Hollis," but there was an exception. Greg always put his children to sleep with a song, and the song was always "Danny Boy" or "Athlone." Except in December, when the song was "Christmas in Killarney." I think there's a Bing Crosby version that they rarely play on the radio, but I will always hear it in Greg's voice, "The prettiest picture you've ever seen/ Is Christmas in Killarney/ with all of the folks at home." It's only in dreams that all of the folks are home, but what a lovely dream it is.

15. There was this hilarious anecdote when I was little, about Greg and Sharon living in an old house in Iowa, and the time a swarm of mice came out of a cabinet and Greg was swinging at them with a tennis racket, little mouse guts everywhere on white pants. That was until I moved to a 5th floor apartment in New York with a hoarder on the 4th floor. One night I was home alone (Cesar worked nights in a restaurant) and there was a mouse in the kitchen. But instead of scurrying, he swerved, slowly, and the effect was grotesque. Someone must have put down poison, but it wasn't me. I threw Luna into the kitchen and closed the door, whereupon she immediately scratched the door and whined, "This is not my fucking business, who do you think I am?" So I called Greg in a panic. He was by turns kind, sympathetic, and impatient. Finally he said, "Christ Max, I'm 3,000 miles away- what do you want me to DO? Deal with it!" So I grabbed the broom and, with a warrior cry, swept the confused and impaired mouse out the front door to the landing, and over the railing, and down five floors to his splatting death in the lobby. Greg was only a little impressed. When he came to visit a month or so later, he set over twenty traps. I had naively thought the same mouse was visiting over and over. We didn't have a mouse problem after that.

16. Walking past the cafeteria after school and the PEAK kids are rehearsing "Jingle Bell Rock" for their holiday program. When I was in elementary school, Greg videotaped all of my holiday programs and poetry recitals and assemblies. His favorite and oft-quoted line from the Simpsons was Homer whining, "How many grades does this school have?" at Springfield Elementary's own holiday program. Greg showed up for shit. He flew to Iowa when my cousin had pneumonia, and he went to people's plays that he hadn't worked with in years. He was a great writer of letters, to people who were grieving, and to people on their sober birthdays, and to people that he thought could use a word. Greg was PRESENT.

17. High Low Jick Jack Game. Greg's play "Being of Sound Mind" was about an Irish-American family coming together after the matriarch dies at Christmas, and there's a scene where they play Pitch. He was just a couple years older than I am now when it was produced. This is the first play of his that I remember being old enough to see in the theater (The Whitefire Theatre in Sherman Oaks). I loved the story, the actors, and the production itself. When I was older, I loved holding book for actors in "End of the Watch" and counting the house for "Angel Feathers." Once, I got to read the stage directions for a reading at the Lost Studio. If there's a part of Greg's life with which I feel at once connected and disconnected, it's the theater world.

18. Greg Suddeth was a writer, every day of his adult life. He wrote on Christmas. He wrote on his birthday. He wrote on MY birthday. He wrote in a notepad on vacation. If the first decade of grieving was about coming to my own terms, I hope that the next decade will be coming to terms with his work. He wrote so many wonderful plays, and they need to be out there. I need to get them out there. Hopefully by now, I am ready to be an executor in more than name.

19. It's been one decade since Greg died, and that feels significant. If I start counting in decades now, I'll be dead before a tenth (decade) anniversary rolls around.  I remember when I turned ten and my dad gave me 10 ten dollar bills, which was a big fucking deal in 1992. I don't know how much I'll keep writing here anymore, but I'm okay with that and I'm proud of what I've done. I still think of my dad multiple times every day, but not every thought warrants a public blast. I hope that my entire life I will continue have those thoughts, and I will always hear his name spoken aloud by others, and I will have big parties on St. Patrick's Day, and I will buy books, and I will love the movies, and I will see plays, and I will live richly and wholeheartedly every day until I die.

Thank you for reading, everyone.

Daddio, I just love you so. All the gratitude. All the everything.

A Birthday Post-It Note

Thinking of you on your birthday, daddio. Sorry I don't have anything much to write...unless you're willing to accept about a thousand pages of educator jargon and gobbledygook that I've been working on for a professional development certificate. Which actually, come to think of it, you probably WOULD accept, since you have always been so supportive of my teaching career. Right when I started the teaching program, you were the one taping PBS specials about education in America and buying used books based on the methodology in which I was interested. Exhibit A: That time you lost your temper because Seashell Booksellers misrepresented the condition of a Marilyn Burns math book and you blackballed them from the Greg Suddeth Educational Encouragement Fund.

I always love to see that blocky print of yours on post-its, so this still decorates the cover. And I still use it. Never gonna forget that I got the call for my first teaching job on your birthday in 2008, and you were so proud. At the time I was disappointed in a part-time job, but the universe knew what it was doing because that was the year my life started going sideways. By the time I was emotionally equipped to run my own classroom, the classroom was waiting for me. And I've loved my job all these years.

Since I was a newborn, you were in my corner, you had my back. You taught me to appreciate naps.

I'm a better teacher and a better human because you are my daddio. So grateful that you were born on August 6. This one's brief, but so full of love and appreciation. You are my light, from somewhere out there. Love you, Greg!

Somewhere out there

On Tuesday my class and I ate a giant breakfast together and then settled down on the floor with blankets and stuffed animals to watch "An American Tail."

Almost anyone my age knows the tail of a sweet mouse named Fievel and how he gets separated from his Russian family on the way to America. It's like an animated Godfather II but also a musical and directed by Steven Spielberg. I loved this movie SO MUCH when I was a kid.

Because of the Finding Nemo Incident a few years ago (see another post) I thought it prudent to give a little caveat before the movie - "You guys, this movie is from my childhood, and I hope you'll love it too. I just wanted to tell you, there's a song in it that my dad sang to me a lot when I was a kid, so I might be emotional. Just a reminder that it's ok to cry...or not cry...or express however you feel in Room 20."

Since I cry all the time about everything, my class basically took this with a grain of salt and we settled in super cozy to watch the movie. Every so often the kids might glance over, but I was surprised how focused they were. They loved "An American Tail!"

The song started that I think of as Greg's song, and the kids were so into it... except out of my peripheral vision I could sense one kid rudely staring right at ME. Wtf? Was he waiting to laugh at me? Hoping I would cry? Knowing he was looking at me, I felt completely disconnected from the music and unemotional. Still he kept looking. Finally I got pissed and looked directly at him to make a mean face... and big silent tears were rolling down his face and disappearing under his collar. Oh shit - HE was crying.

This was the kid who has yelled at me, told me he hated me, kicked a chair I was sitting in, and "dabbed" with pride when I said my feelings were hurt. This was a kid who the only way I could consistently calm him down was with this hand squeezing therapy I'd read about in a book for children with anger issues.

I don't think he was looking at me to laugh at me; I think he was checking to make sure he was safe. I wondered what he was crying about. I wondered what my writer pop would have made of a character like this kid. I wondered what kind of kid Greg was. Then I wondered if Linda Rondstadt (who sings the song) is still alive, and if I had any more coffee by the sink, and the moment was past and we finished the movie and it was great. The kid and I didn't talk about what happened during "Somewhere Out There."

These are the lyrics that always get me:
"And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star,
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky"

I do have to give this class credit; they were probably the most enthusiastic group of kids ever about stuff from my own childhood. They liked old movies and old music and old games. Gets me thinking about how Greg loved to share his favorite things, and how many of them are mine now too. I don't think a kid can take very much of the credit if her sweet sixteen party is Godfather themed, with red-and-white checked tablecloths and spaghetti. Or like how if you ask Dillon about any dead person (including Greg) he always says that they're "in Heaven with Ray Charles." That kind of cool is inherited, not inherent.

Happy father's day pop - you're one of the coolest. Miss you every day.

Homage to the Dip

It's Day of the Dip! I will be the first to admit that I pretty much love all Hallmark holidays. I don't love waiting in line at restaurants, meaty pre fixe menus, or overpriced chocolate, but I am a fan of any occasion involving cut flowers and reminders to show appreciation. So happy mama's day to the Dip!

Some readers may ask, why Dip? That doesn't seem an especially respectful or even apt nickname. Dip, short for 'Dipity, short for "Sharondipity," was first bestowed by Chief years ago, the king of bestowing nicknames. Serendipity is "the faculty of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for." Also known as making magic; the Dip's brought a lot of magic to my life.

I'm lucky as an adult to have a mom who is also a friend. The first and most shallow prerequisite of friendship is that you like to consume the same culture, right? We both like to eat sushi, watch Mozart in the Jungle, go to Dodger Stadium, drink red wine, dance around in the backyard, and poke at living things in the garden (She does not share my fervent and feral adoration of Kendrick Lamar, but she tolerates his music at blaring volume in the car, which is good enough). So ma, I'm grateful for all our good times past and yet to come, and glad that spending time with you is never an obligation, but instead my pleasure.

In case you haven't noticed, 'Dipity is also super fun. There is a man with whom I share a mild and ongoing dalliance. I know I've got a bit of a reputation, but Sharon is actually the incorrigible flirt. So the guy and I were standing around talking and I mentioned Sharon's recent frustration with the Dodgers and the profanities she recently let fly. "Whaaaaaaaat?!" he said and I said, "I know - you kind of expect a sailor's tongue from me, what with this flaming hair, and with Sharon it's more like an angel fountain spewing gutter-water, but she's got a pretty foul mouth when she's riled up." So then she walks up, he says "C'mere" and bends down to say right into her ear in a low tone, "How 'bout those FUCKING Dodgers, huh?" And of course she manages to blush a pretty pink, howl with laughter, and bat her eyelashes all at once. That Dip's a charmer.

To take it deeper, we have grieved together and pondered. We have had authentic and vulnerable conversations about equity and justice. We learn from each other. We share what makes our hearts go thump. I'm grateful for all the love and support and wisdom and generosity, both for me and for Little Man.

So here's to the Dip, the loveliest lady I know. Happy Ma Day, and how grateful I am that you are mine!

A note about the type

Greg was a man of letters (and postcards, journals, emails, post-it notes, etc). Leaving aside his profession for a post, I'd like to share a little about his personal correspondence. My dad had such distinctive blocky (mostly capitals) print. I can't really remember what his signature looks like, but I'd know that printing anywhere. So choosing the correct card was a ritual unto itself. Then there were the creative salutations and closings, random quotes and excerpts, unusual turns of phrases, and such attention to detail.

This was a "Congratulations on your new job!" card. Undated, which was rare and means I don't remember which job. 

This is the inside of one of my favorite cards that I have ever received, from when I was a kid and had scarlet fever. The cover is a drawing of me with a thermometer sticking out of my mouth. This is the inside (Oz themed, of course).

"And come to the Emerald City to get a new throat!" 

I actually forgot about this, but when I was digging through a box recently I found a fat stack of postcards from my first year in San Diego. They were all from Greg, and as I looked at the front of them I remembered that he used to pick them out at Farmer's Market. Sometimes they were invitations to the movies or a ballgame, sometimes movie quotes, sometimes just reminders that somebody loved me and was thinking about me. I think about some of the homesick kids that lived in my dorm that first year and realize how lucky I was to get so much mail. Email was kind of a thing by then but somehow, Greg knew I would be most comforted by something physically in my hand. When I look at these postcards now, what amazes me most is how tender and affectionate the language is that he uses. On the back of a postcard! For God and the entire USPS to read in transit! These are postcards from a man who was well-versed in the art of not giving a fuck about showing he cares.

This time of year always gets me thinking about Christmas tags: Greg and his brother used to make a game of writing each other's tags on Christmas presents. It was never "To: Greg From: Gary" or "For: Gary Love: Greg." The tags were ribald, witty, and full of inside jokes that you had to be really cool in order to get. Lots of references to the Twilight Zone, the Godfather, Ed Wood. I am bummed I don't have pictures of these, but the real ones are in a box, somewhere.


So, if I could just hop on my soapbox for one minute here: write all the letters. To all the everyone. Seriously! Be true and be kind. Include compliments that are specific and authentic. Get comfortable with being vulnerable on paper. Make drawings for your kids that are funny or sweet, so that they can hoard them forever and remember always that they are well loved.

12/19/17
My dearest pop,
Still missing you like nobody's business, but...

True Blue Love

The Dodgers are going to the World Series! God, but a lot has happened since the last time that was true. 29 years is a very long time, a lifetime in fact for Dillon Gregory. My emotions have ridden so close to the surface since Thursday - manic and weepy and excited and unbelieving. I do not have a long sustained post within me (not now, anyway) but it was important to me to think about Greg, to tell the world I was thinking about Greg, and to have him be part of this incredibly special time.

One of my earliest memories of Dodger Stadium is that I loved it because it was the place where I could yell for a long time without constraint, and I was a really loud kid. We watched a lot more games on TV than at the stadium then, which was probably better for a little kid anyway because I could follow the game easier and learn more about the players. Then in college I went through a short-lived and ill-advised pretension about baseball being low class whereas I was an intellectual (gross!) and briefly hid my love of the game. Grateful that passed as quickly as it did.

I am so grateful for Chavez Ravine; especially in the last 8 years, it has been there for me through grief and heartbreak and loneliness and upheaval. It's my church more than anywhere else except the ocean. Being there calms my heart and guides my perspective, so here are my favorite lessons from baseball:

1. The past and the future matter, but the present is where it's at. This season, this game, this inning, this at bat, this pitch. Baseball reminds me more than everything else to Be. Here. Now. The past is treated with respect and the future is treated with anticipation, but neither of them are allowed to color the Glorious Now.

2. That said, the past is constantly part of the present and in our Dodger hearts. Referring back to important events, paying tribute to Dodger legends, showing love for Dodger memories. This is how I aim to keep Greg a part of my life - mostly joyfully, sometimes painfully, always authentically.

3. Accept change. Despite my vociferous objections and impassioned refusals, somehow A. J. Ellis stayed traded. Bullshit! Our players change, our records change, even our seats have changed from when Greg was alive, but true blue love stays true. It's forever.

Daddio, you were SO CLUTCH. I really really wish that you were here for this. I'd like to think that if you can see me anywhere, it's at Blue Heaven on Earth, yelling and jumping and feeling all the feels. Feeling so excited. Feeling so close to you. Being right here, in the Glorious Now.

Happy World Series, everyone!!! LET'S GO DODGERS!!!

Ephemeral is as ephemeral does

Semi-recently, someone came over my house for the first time. He was looking at my picture wall and commented:
-That polaroid is getting ruined.
-Yeah.
-You should keep it in one of those dark boxes for photos.
-Nope.
-It's getting too much sun on the wall there.
-Thank you, Captain Obvious!
That's when he got wise and changed the subject.

A carefully preserved photograph in excellent condition where I never look at it, or a slowly ruined photograph on the wall where I smile at it every day while it lasts?

I stand by my decision.

I'd say 85% of the time, here are things that I believe:
Everything is ephemeral: experiences, things, relationships. This is oddly reassuring instead of frightening.
Even the 15% of black dogs barking is ephemeral, and I just have to wait it out.
Most people are trying their best most of the time.

Oh, and one more:
Fuck the "What If" game, it's a waste of time.

It's worthwhile and fulfilling to play "What If" with the future, dreams and goals are beautiful to have. But playing "What If" with the past is a pointless endeavor...that ship has sailed, homes.

This is not the same as forgetting or not caring- I actually think this attitude has deepened my appreciation for memories, because I can remember them sweetly or neutrally, instead of trying to fix them and/or poke myself in the eye.

So here's some stuff that I've enjoyed remembering about Greg today on his birthday:
He was super vain about the six pack he cultivated after getting sober, and would mow the lawn shirtless.
Greg watched TV laying on his side on the floor, with a paper plate for an ashtray, and he had the elbow callous to prove it.
At Ralph's he would always get Red Vines for me, cake donuts for Dillon, and Oreos for Cesar. Dillon and I have always been such repetitive eaters, Greg never realized that Cesar got so sick of Oreos that he looked at them cross-eyed for years after we moved out.
I was horribly embarrassed as a kid because my parents were both incorrigible flirts; somehow, I've become one too.
Along those lines, one time Greg shamelessly used me as a prop when we ran into Katharine Ross in the 80s at the pet store on Crescent Heights. She was very charming.
I knew he liked Pong and Pac-Man back in the day, but it was still surprising when he came to visit New York one time and ended up playing some Godfather playstation game with Cesar for like 4 hours straight, while it got dark outside and I whined about how hungry I was.
We used to play skeeball for hours at Kiddieland before there was the Grove. He had a special bank shot, which I still use.
He used to do this crazy dance during the opening song of shows like Boston Legal and In Living Color.

Maybe some of that stuff I've talked about before, but I think most of it I haven't - either because it seemed inconsequential or because it felt like digging around in a wound. What a great sense of gratitude that I have to be able to type easily, with a smile on my face, remembering my daddio on his birthday. Nothing is inconsequential, and it doesn't have to hurt.

Happy birthday, daddio.

Tell me how long...

8 years since Greg died. I remember when he said, "I'm done with birthday cards and Valentine's Day cards and anniversary cards and all the cards. You just end up writing the same shit over and over again. I'm out of shit to say."

I don't write here very often anymore. I still think of things to write, but I don't make time to do it. Or I feel like it's just the same old shit. But something inside me doesn't feel right letting December 19th go by without a word or two, so here are some thoughts about grief and moving on (forward? maybe just flailing around). When Greg died in 2008, it was just far enough into my adulthood to not be shocking- at least to the general public- definitely I was shocked. There are people who lose a parent in their childhood, then the weird gray area where I lost Greg, and now I'm in the stage of adulthood where I know many more people who have lost at least one parent, where I'm not the outlier in a group of my peers, even if I'm still in the minority.

Watching my friends start or continue a path I've wandered for 8 years now, I'm realizing that grief is even more meandering and circuitous than I'd realized. Why are some days so easy, and others so fucking hard? Or months. Or years. Why are some ways of honoring our dead so comforting, and others feel empty? Why are feelings so changeable, and beliefs, and dreams? And all of those things change not only from person to person, but within each person. They change for me.

The past few months have been hard ones- 7 or 8 years ago I wouldn't have been able to admit that, and even more recently I wouldn't have been willing. It kind of feels like the whole world is going to shit, and I miss my pops an awful lot. I know it's a terrible cliche, but sometimes life really IS like a highway...and I've been poised on the on-ramp lately, watching everyone move steadily by at an excellent clip while I'm inching out and reversing, inching out and reversing, unable to spot opportunities to merge or letting them pass because something felt wrong in the moment. The unfair thing is that when I'm cruising, it feels easy to keep cruising, and I know so well how it feels to be in the zone and moving jauntily along. Getting going again from a standstill is so goddamn rough; merging has always been my bugaboo. At least I know that every time in the last 8 years I've felt like this (the last 34 for that matter) somehow I find a small bright spot of courage and get out there again, and after that initial merge I get to cruise myself for awhile.

It's not a secret that Greg was a drinking man, and then he wasn't. I'm not in the program, but there's an expression that I tell myself often because it helps me keep going, and it applies to so much more than drinking:

I can't, God can, I think I'll let Him.

Those are the actual AA words, but obviously replace God with whatever deity/gender you prefer (I usually say the Universe/it). When I'm really struggling, as I have been lately, I keep going by throwing up my hands without throwing in the towel. Greg didn't raise any quitters.

Love you and miss you, pops.

A Final Toast to Don Filemon

Last night, the world lost a good man. Cesar's dad passed away. My father in law - ex father in law? - what do you call that? The father of my ex-husband (who I call my first husband when I'm feeling whimsical, even though there isn't a second husband, because I like the way it sounds better) is someone I hadn't spoken to in a long time.

The man who welcomed me into his large, complicated family. The man who, when he talked, Cesar said my eyes practically bugged out of my head trying to follow with my broken Spanish. The man who punctuated his talking with the best laugh, that I couldn't help laughing along with, even when I didn't know what the hell was going on. The man who took me into the kitchen and let me lounge against the counter while he cooked the most delicious food. The man who tied special knots into the wrappers of the vegetarian tamales so I knew which ones I could eat.

We fell out of touch, which I understand and am okay with, which I think is what happens in a lot of marriages that end without kids. I'm finally at a point in my life where I have so much gratitude for my memories and time with the Rodriguez family, and so little resentment. It's a long time now that I haven't been married; and yet, we were so young when we got married, I think we completely immersed ourselves in each other's families, with the kind of impact that lasts regardless of years gone by and radio silence.

Cesar's parents came to stay with us for a long time less than a month after my own dad died, and I'm sorry now for how stony and unpleasant I was those days. I remember how many nights I drove to the beach by myself in the middle of the night, to sit on a stone wall, unable to stand anyone, most of all myself. They were patient with me even when I was acting like a brat. The counterbalance is all the memories of happy visits and holidays. Falling in love with Cesar with both our parents' long and complex love stories behind us, around us, and in front of us.

And now, our mothers have both lost their husbands. Cesar and I are both half-orphans. And from a long distance of miles, and time, and silence, I send so much love to the Rodriguez family in their time of grief.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Dead Man

Greg would be 63 today. Instead he's always going to be 55, while everything else changes around me, growing or diminishing, expanding or contracting. The farther away he gets, the more I find myself accepting not just his death, but everything. "It is what it is" grows more deep and yet more simple all the time.

On Thursday, my friend's mom passed away. I don't know her well enough, and I didn't know her mom at all, to become personally involved in her grief, although I took time Thursday night to sit quietly and send her love and calm, because how is it not beneficial to always send out love? Later in bed, I couldn't sleep for remembering that first terrible night Greg died.

Everyone retreated to their corners, glazed with shock and faded around the edges. Sharon, Dillon, and Cesar were alone in their respective beds; I was alone in the bathtub. For hours. I stared at a glass of whiskey balanced on the edge of the tub because I was so terrified to go to sleep, and I was terrified because when I woke up, it would be the first day I was on earth and Greg wasn't. I took for granted that my parents had a past in which I hadn't taken part cause I wasn't born, but I'd never fully understood that there could be a future in which my parents didn't take part because they were dead, until the day was imminent. Somehow I thought that if I could just stay awake, then that day wouldn't dawn and the whole thing could eventually be taken back. The water grew tepid and then cold. Eventually I ended up sleeping just enough to feel shitty.

I'm grateful those early days are behind me. I can see with distance that my relationship with Greg has colored every interaction with every man in my life (romantic or platonic, casual or serious, recent or distantly in the past). I'm sure this is not a unique experience, unless maybe someone who grew up without her father, although even then who knows how absence colors experience as well.

Suffice to say, there's a lot going on in my heartspace and always has been. Although there's one man I'd to address specifically, my Little Man, my closest living link to Greg.

With Dillon, I wonder what he remembers of Greg and how often.  For him grief is both impenetrable and below the surface. I'm often left to guess at what he's thinking or feeling. Are there times that he feels lonely? Betrayed? Angry? I hope there are times that he feels loved, as I have also. It's a hard truth to admit, but sometimes I treat my brother like a mascot, instead of a person with private feelings and diverse thoughts. I forget that just because he appears more surface than most, we're none of us so easily read and understood, and that includes him, and that included Greg, and that includes me.

As Bukowski wrote, "We're all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't." It doesn't, and yet somehow there is love - what kind of dumb blind luck is that?!

Here's to the circus! Much love, pop, and happy birthday.