So on top of the master's program, the classroom succulent garden, the Earth Day festival, SBAC state testing preparation, and, you know, TEACHING (sometimes anyway) I started a project with my students last week. Our principal asked the grade level chairs for ideas to get the students pumped up for state testing, and since I have a group of students that has shown interest in TV news, and we are a newly minted STEM academy (the T stands for technology), I thought of using the iPads to create a news report to be shown at the assembly next week. Somehow my idea became my responsibility, and I've been scrambling this week to work on this project along with the million other things I'm spinning my wheels at lately.
The kids have been incredibly enthusiastic! We had "business lunches" to talk about their interview questions, list of topics, and potential interviewees. They came up with their own costumes (mustaches- I mustache you a question, HA). They have practiced and worked on their own time, and a lot of my time as well, of course. This last week I've been freaking and stressing and complaining- "I'm too tired for this, I'm too busy for this, I'm too goddamned overwhelmed for this!" But today the filming started.
And it was.....MAGICAL. There's really no other way to describe the experience. Following them around with their iPad and their clipboard and their fake microphone, watching and applauding as they ambushed staff and students alike with their questions, I was in heaven. Meaning that I actually felt for a second like I was in heaven, with Greg peeping over my shoulder and saying, "You done good, Maxie." I was reminded of the hours and hours he spent with his VHS video camera, tracking shots of Amy and I narrating the Vietnam War in our green helmets and flower children dresses, making music videos, panning photographs with my strident feminist voiceovers, and lots of other school projects I shanghaied him into filming over the years. He was a ruthless, encouraging, perfectionist director, and I adored not only the finished products, but the time spent with Greg basking in his undivided attention.
As I set aside the math notebook and stick a post-it in the informational essay prompts, I realize now how the time spent with me and my friends on our projects obviously took him away from his own writing. Although I never thought about it then, there must have been times that he was tired, or busy, or overwhelmed by his own shit. There's been an undercurrent of resentment (so unusual for me because I truly love my job) when I've woken up in the last month and felt more like bullying a short story into submission than coaxing a 4th grader into fraction-land. I don't ever want to lose my writing voice, and I was panicking because the well had been dry for a long time and suddenly it was gushing, and I wanted to stay home and write, and I had to go to work. Today was what I needed to realize that Greg's presence and attention was a gift, and so is mine. The words will still be there- as long as I dash off good notes in those fleeting moments between lessons. Maybe I could adopt Greg's method of sticking notes on the back door until I'm ready to tackle the next piece. Maybe it's time I got my own method.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started feeling grateful, and everything got so much better. I drew down on the good karma Sharon built up over the years as a room parent supermom, and I reached out to my own room parent for help. I started appreciating our awesome site leader and all of her technological support. I put my head on my desk after school and wandered daydreaming through memories of my dad and his two big hands with the thumbs put together, framing the scene.
Filming a phony news report with a bunch of children with fancy coats and raised eyebrows reminded me why I love teaching, and love my students, and why I don't ever want to burn out. Next week is back to math lessons and essay prompts, but I think I got "an elbow to the head" reminding me to make it rigorous, make it valuable....but make it joyful. Keep the kids wanting to be there and learn. Keep myself wanting to be there and learn. Have some fuckin' fun with it all!
As my journalists said today to every subject they interviewed, over and over and over, "Thank you for your time."
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