Happy Fathers' Day, to all fathers everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.....I woke up feeling grateful instead of sad, thinking about Fathers' Days past and good memories. I tried to practice that attitude of gratitude all day long, but by late afternoon it was black dogs barking.
I miss my dad and that's all there is to it. I tried to turn it around, but my mind kept coming back to what other people were doing with their dads, with wanting to be with my dad. So I got my Irish up and I lashed out at someone I care about. I sat in my house in the dark and I felt sorry for myself. Then I started thinking about what I might be doing if my dad was around, really considering it instead of just feeling like shit that it wasn't gonna happen.
So I decided to watch one of our favorite movies, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I only picked it because it's great cinema, I already owned it, and I knew it would bring me back to the first time I watched it. Watching McMurphy play basketball with the Chief reminded me of one of my dad's headshots, of his spot-on Nicholson impression, of how he could detail every character actor and all of the director's choices.
The movie reminded me of my dad, which made me feel better, and it also reminded me of how I don't want to go down any dark paths. One of Greg's favorite lines in the movie is when McMurphy says, "Well, I tried, goddamn it. At least give me that." Tonight, I didn't feel like trying. I felt like following the black dogs barking right down into a miserable hole. But without being around, Greg didn't let it happen.
It's almost like a kind of time travel: 15 years ago, Greg showed me a movie so that I'd have something to return to by myself, when I needed it. I need to remember that he gave me the tools, the gifts, the love that I need to survive on my own. (I mean, writing is another one- check out this blog.) I don't need more of the same (even if I'll always want it, and badly)- I already have it. It's okay to miss him and to have a shitty couple of hours. Clouds pass over, my mood darkens, a storm comes. But I'll come out the other side.
"Which one of you nuts has got any guts?"
Happy Fathers' Day, Greg- with love and laughter- and a lot of guts.
1 comment:
That movie brings back some poignant memories of my brother Greg for me too. Talk about the dirtiest, lowest, low-down stinkin' blues I'd ever had, when I learned he was at stage 4 in the spring of '08. Imagine the turn-around only 3 months later with the miracle news that he'd ostensibly beaten it! I vividly recall sending him an email simply saying-
"You fooled 'em Chief! You fooled 'em! You fooled 'em all! Goddamn!"
He won that round.
Uncle Bear
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