(above quote by ee cummings)
So I had a minor revelation while I was listening to Springsteen's "Merry Xmas Baby" and cooking up some weird-ass hippie shit to make my family eat tomorrow. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays where I don't think I've had one since I was 17 that I didn't miss somebody. Family or friends or lovers, someone has always been missing, even on the happiest days.
I have joyful memories of being young and madly in love in New York, hosting Orphan Thanksgiving with a posse of friends and a sexy husband- dinners with no turkey and everyone getting lit up like Christmas trees on red wine. Those were wonderful nights, but I always missed my family back in California. Then we moved back to LA and the pangs of nostalgia were for my friends back in NY, even as I loved rediscovering the LA zoo, eating my mama's mashed potatoes, and sitting around my sister-in-law's table making fun of K's Tofurkey. The bigger my family got, the more friends I made and kept, the more experiences I gained; the less likely it was that I would spend a holiday with every single person I loved. Now of course, first and foremost among the missing is Greg.
Here's the long-promised revelation: there's always going to be someone missing, no matter what. That's the price you pay for living a big joyful life with many people you love, and that love you. If I wished away the feeling of missing Greg so badly, maybe it would only work if I also loved him less. If I could really truly fit every single person I care about into a standard sized dining room- well now, that would make me quite the sad sack, no? Thanksgiving is not about having all those people in front of my face; it's about carrying them in my heart.
This year I'm going to try very hard to really truly practice gratitude- no caveats. I am grateful for the love I have, the wonderful people I know and have known, my health, my shelter, my incredible profession.
I'm grateful that I'm feeling so prolific this week, ha!
No comments:
Post a Comment