Some days I'm okay, and other days I still feel utterly lost. It never helps to say "My situation could be so much worse," because it could also be so much better. I can't look around and say "There but for the grace of God go I...." because someone somewhere with her dad by her side is saying that very thing about me. A smart guy once told me, "It is what it is, and it will be what it will be." He was even able to say it about his own impending exit from the world. Now I need to start living by the same words.
It's so hard to accept what I never want to accept, to be courageous when I feel cowardly, to be wise when I feel like a fool. But Daddy, I'm trying.
3 comments:
BDG, I miss you. I miss your words of wisdom on days like this when the sound of your voice could work magic. I miss your bravery, it made me and our kids feel safe, like we could handle anything that came our way. You had our back when the world seemed cruel, and you made us aware of new ways to look at things, old ways of remembering how to be true to ourselves. I miss laughing with you when you caught me acting like I knew something when I didn't really understand one blessed thing about what was going on....and I thank God that you're still the force of this family that we rely on to find our way when the going gets tough....that's your everlasting gift to your family. Undying, unrelenting, unconditional love....
As I sit here reading your beautiful words about your dad with tears in my eyes. I have a wonderful new appreciation for the amazing, loving, and very courageous woman you are Megan. I am proud to call you my friend.
I am choosing to celebrate today. Three years ago, I let myself fall into the darkest hole, and just couldn't accept or understand how it could be, that there would be no more birthday parties or gifts or laughs or joy to celebrate the day my dear, dear Gregory Dean Suddeth was born, that he wouldn't say ever again "this isn't what I wanted" with a twinkle in his eye when opening his gifts, or taking too much time reading his cards "c'mon! let's get to the gifts", or watching a grown man enjoy his vanilla cupcake with a big glass of pink milk just a little too much! But today, I am grateful and blessed that I can recall all those wonderful memories, and so many more, with not only a few tears in my eyes, but with so much fullness in my heart. I will always cherish the day that my true love came into this world......Happy Birthday, BDG! I love you! xoxo
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